


Self

by DARWIN51



Series: Limits [2]
Category: Ghostbusters (2016)
Genre: F/F, Holtzbert - Freeform, I swear, Mentions of Violence, Youll like it, angst because i do comedy for a living, basically on brand with all my other ghostbusters stuff, darkness but also humor through dialogue, ghostbusters - Freeform, most chapters are song inspired
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-10
Updated: 2019-02-11
Packaged: 2019-09-15 15:31:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,162
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16935870
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DARWIN51/pseuds/DARWIN51
Summary: Interconnected oneshots detailing Holtzmann's recovery after a brutal homophobic attack, and how it impacts her relationship with Erin. Part 2 of "Limits", formerly titled "To The LImit"





	1. Smooth

They definitely weren’t casual anymore. Ever since four months ago when, surprisingly enough, Erin made the first move, she and Holtzmann had grown visibly closer with each passing day.

Theirs was the kind of relationship where their nights were spent together more often than not, where Holtz bought her favorite snacks to keep stocked at Erin’s apartment rather than her own, where any time they sit on a couch it’s inevitable that someone’s hand will end up across the other’s lap, someone’s arm around the other, and someone’s head on her shoulder.

The kind of relationship where, when Erin stuttered over her words during a speech at the Mayor’s Annual Public Service Banquet, held for all of New York’s first responders, Holtz took the mic for a toast and called it the “Mayor’s Annual Public Service Blanket” without correcting herself, just so people would forget Erin’s blunder.

Granted, Holtz might lay down her dignity a little for anyone she cared about.

But that’s where they are right now. The Mayor’s Annual Blanket. Surrounded by hundreds of New York’s finest and bravest, dressed up fancy and maybe one or two adult drinks in.

It should also be noted that Holtz and Erin were completely secretive about their relationship, except of course to Abby and Patty. And Kevin, sort of. They’re not really sure how much he actually processes.

Nobody really knows Erin’s queer, and two women had flirted with Holtz before dinner even started.

And more after dinner.

“Hey, you guys are the Ghostbusters!” A redhead (clearly dyed), in a black knee-length dress that shimmered green, walked right up to where Holtz and Patty were standing. The other two had gone to get more drinks for everyone.

“You must be Holtzmann.” She smiled, showing way too many teeth.

“Doctor.” Holtz corrected, which she only did to people she doesn’t like.

“Right. So, um. Crazy event, huh? It’s really crowded in here.”

“Hi!” Patty interjected, sensing that Holtz wanted nothing to do with this girl.

“Oh, hi. You must be Patty.”

“ _Doctor_ Tolan.” Patty grinned. “I worked my butt off for my history degree!”

“Oh, sorry.” She looked slightly pissed. Which pleased Patty.

An innocent enough conversation starter for this poor girl who really hadn’t done anything wrong, but the ghostbusters didn’t have time to maintain small talk with every girl who clearly was just here to flirt with Holtz.

And not to stereotype, but with tons of female police officers and firefighters, there was no shortage of interested women, and they weren’t the only queer couple in the room by a long shot.  

~

Abby picked up the two drinks the bartender slid to her, and Erin picked up two more. She turned back to see a girl who barely looked old enough to drink standing a foot away from Holtzmann, smiling and nodding.

Her relationship with Holtz is not one where she’s ever felt jealous or threatened by another woman. No disrespect to Holtzmann, but Erin’s pretty sure most people would be turned away by Holtz’s socially awkward conversational manner after one interaction. Erin’s just lucky enough to know Holtz beyond that first awkward encounter. Everyone kinda knows Holtzmann doesn’t do well with new people, and struggles to read social interactions and emotions.

So yeah, Erin knows she has no reason to worry when it comes to other women coming on to her girlfriend.

Except… now this chick had her hand on Holtz’s forearm, seemingly trying to lead her away.

Erin’s heart rate spiked with anger, and a little bit of fear for Holtz. Because although their relationship was trusting, loving, and never concerned with even the thought of cheating, it also was a relationship of abstinence.

They’ve had their share of hot makeout sessions on the couch, and they definitely didn’t always keep their hands to themselves.

But Holtz has, understandably, been hesitant to get back into physical relationships, since what happened six months ago.

Understandably, Erin didn’t like this bitch putting her hand on Holtz’s arm.

She started to march over, but Abby quickly scurried and got ahead of her. “Hey!” She greeted warmly, reaching the trio. “What’s up guys?”

Erin was hot on Abby’s heels and stopped just short of bumping into her. She quickly made eye contact with Holtz, giving off an expression of worry, and getting from Holtz an expression of slight panic.

That was basically enough for Erin. She stepped forward and lightly lifted the other girl’s hand away from Holtz’s arm.

“Oh, sorry.” The woman said. “Shoot, oh, I’m so sorry. I forgot. Are you okay? I didn’t mean to… like, trigger anything.” She whispered the last words.

Holtz’s face washed over with even more panic than a second ago.

“You’re fine.” Patty told the girl warmly. “But she’s not interested. Sorry.”

“Okay, um. I hope you’re okay.” She gave Holtz a weak smile, then spun quickly and walked away.

“Who was that?” Abby asked.

“Erin…!” Holtz shot in a small voice that said she could have handled it.

“Sorry.” Erin offered. “Instinct. I just saw she was flirting with you and then she was touching you—“

“She was just the wingman.” Patty informed her. “Trying to show us the girl who’s actually interested.”

“Oh. Sorry. Holtz, you okay?”

Holtzmann didn’t answer that question for the rest of the night. And she moved on but didn’t let it go. Instead she took a long sip of her drink and declared she wanted to sit closer to the dance floor.

Patty linked her arm around Holtz’s and walked with her to find a table where they didn’t have to stand.

Erin felt Abby looking at her, and was afraid to look back knowing she’d probably get scolded for interfering and told Holtz could handle herself.

Finally she did look over, and Abby’s face was sympathetic. “I know.” She said.

Erin just nodded.

~

“Go dance.” Holtz instructed Patty once they found a table.

“’S’cuse me?”

“Go up there. I wanna see you dance.” She grinned.

“I wanna see _you_ dance.” Patty countered.

“Bum leg.” Holtz pointed to her knee.

“Bullshit, you were jumping on someone’s bed last week on a bust!”

“Not everyone is blessed with height, Patty. Some of us need to jump for it.”

“I’ll dance, but I’m not going up there without a partner. This ain’t no awkward middle school dance. If you go, I’ll go.” Patty sipped her drink.

“That’s exactly what someone at a middle school dance would say.” Neither of them made any effort to get up, though.

Abby and Erin caught up with them and took the other two seats at the table.

“What’s the party over here?” Abby asked.

“Holtzy’s trying to make me dance.” Patty said.

“Patty’s trying to make me dance.” Holtz replied, just for the fun of argument.

“Don’t make her dance, if she doesn’t think she can. It might not be the best idea just yet...” Erin told Patty quickly.

Obvious tension quickly filled the air, and Holtz bit her lip and looked down at the tablecloth. A second later, she stood up. “I’m going to dance. Patty?” She offered her arm.

Patty took it and followed her to the dance floor.

Erin started to stand up too. “I gotta make sure she doesn’t—“

“Erin.” Abby grabbed her arm and brought her back into the chair.

“What?”

“Seriously.”

“Is this being overprotective? I think it’s perfectly reasonable for her not to try and dance yet while she’s technically still in physical therapy—“

“I think she knows what she’s doing.”

Erin calculated the risk of Holtz getting hurt versus how mad she’d be if Erin stopped her. Not that she could stop Holtz, not really. She could only make a scene and make it worse. She sat back in her chair, still tense, knowing she should just let it go. Her eyes followed the sharp black-and-white femme tux her girlfriend wore, blazer open with a loose tie.

An absolute dork on the dance floor, she was holding Patty’s hands and pushing them back and forth to the beat of the music, bouncing her head along with it. But Erin knew this was only her warm up. Once she had a few drinks in her and really got into it, everyone would _know_ she was on the dance floor. It was some combination of fluid-like hip swivels that flowed from that center point through the rest of her body like electricity, paired with one hand in her hair as if she’s trying to seduce each and every person who looks at her.

And although Erin’s definitely biased on the matter, she’s not dumb enough to think other people don’t find this hot.

As Santana and Rob Thomas’s _Smooth_ started to vibrate across the dance floor and Holtz began to let the music course through her, a small circle starting to form around her, Erin’s only jealous she can’t publicly declare that woman her girlfriend.  But she could only watch and smile.

By the time the song reached the second chorus, nearly half the dance floor was gathered around Holtz, swaying with an almost sex-driven energy and throwing in some signature awkward moves as if she didn’t even know people were watching.

Erin was reminded of the Ghostbusters’ first time attending an event like this. She remembers Holtz showing off her moves and instantly becoming popular with everyone. Holtz had stopped mid-song to walk over to Erin’s table and take her hand, leading her to the dance floor. Erin’s a terribly awkward dancer, no question. But Holtz was the type of person who managed to make anyone look cool, as long as they were dancing with her.

At first Erin thought that was special, that she had been singled out, but as the night went on Holtz made a point to go up to every person who wasn’t dancing and bring them up to have fun (she’d even convinced the double-amputee to wheel onto the floor with her) and in all honesty, Holtz barely remembered any of it the next day.

At school dances and events in the past, Erin’s always been attracted to the way certain boys were able to be cool, hot, and funny on the dance floor all at the same time. She always wished she could be with those boys, but she could never even talk to them, let alone date them. And she thought only boys could do it like that. When girls tried to do anything on the dance floor, it was awkward in heels and their movements were restricted because they were constantly trying to make sure their dress didn’t expose themselves on one end or the other. They were designed to be sex objects on the dance floor. Those outfits were not for dancing, they were for displaying.

Holtz broke all those rules. First of all, she wasn’t wearing a dress. The tux managed to be, in Erin’s opinion, even hotter than any dress she’d ever seen. And her fancy shoes for that fancy event? Just very black Converse sneakers. They might’ve been spray painted. Patty tried to tell her she had to wear nice shoes, but Holtz asked what would happen if she didn’t.

And nobody had an answer. And just like that, she’d shown Erin that all the barriers preventing her from having fun at formal events, don’t even exist. Erin had been waiting for some massive feminist movement to sweep the nation and break down these barriers for her, but all it took was one lesbian scientist who didn’t give a fuck.

Privately, Erin cites that as the moment she realized she might be in love with Holtzmann.

This event, the Mayor’s Annual Blanket, was far bigger and fancier than that first event, with more people, more space, much more expensive venue, and more lights on the dance floor, which were currently casting everyone in a beautiful purple and blue energetic light. Occasionally one or two people would try to join Holtz but couldn’t quite keep up with her unpredictable moves.

Erin was definitely jealous. She had Holtz and she was still jealous. She wanted to tell everyone.  Even though Erin’s sworn popularity is overrated, Holtz is popular in a fresh way, a way that doesn’t exclude anyone because _she’s_ the odd one out. The confidence and passion in her movements redefine ‘cool’, and make anyone who’s not also giving the world their all, look lame in comparison.

And watching Holtz on the dance floor now, Erin’s just glad her comment earlier didn’t destroy her confidence and sap her energy for the night. Confident and energetic Holtz is Holtz in the purest form.

She danced her way right into the next song, as if the first one didn’t end. But after two songs she made her way off the dance floor and back to their table, limping ever so slightly. This time she took the seat next to Erin.

“I stand corrected, Holtzmann.” Erin leaned in. “You just made everyone jealous with those moves, myself included.”

“I love you Erin.” She whispered back, without looking at her.

“Holtz, is everything okay?”

She just nodded, continuing to stare into the distance, her cheeks a little flushed. A small smile settled on her face, but it was just barely covering up something else. It seemed like if Holtz blinked too hard it all would shatter.

Erin looked to Abby for help, but she hadn’t heard anything.

Patty emerged from the dance floor, her silk red dress shimmering as she sat down and dabbed her forehead with a napkin. “Don’t go in the middle.” She advised.

Erin glanced around before putting a hand gently on Holtz’s back, rubbing softly.

Patty took notice. “We ready to go?” She asked.

“No.” Holtz said, snapping out of her trance and reanimating as if someone had pulled her string.

Erin had seen this countless times over the past few months. Something would fire in her girlfriend’s mind, and she’d be stuck in space for a few moments, then shed it like it was nothing. As if she had just put the brakes on all the bad feelings for a while. Erin knew someday soon the brakes would fail completely, and Holtz would just have to ride it out.

“I don’t really wanna stay much longer anyway.” Erin said.

“Me either.” Abby said. “These drinks are wearing off fast and pretty soon I’m gonna be sleeping like a baby no matter where we are. Holtz?”

“Whatever you guys want.”

Patty took out her phone, then looked at Erin for the go-ahead. Erin looked to Abby for help, and Abby took one look at Holtz and nodded to Patty, who then called for the Uber. It takes a village to interpret Holtzmann sometimes.

As they walked out, Erin imagined that someday down the line, they would attend this event as a couple, and she could be with Holtz on the dance floor, showing everyone that this incredible woman was all hers.

And they’d slow dance together.

And they’d be able to stay longer than this.

And they wouldn’t have to walk separate, with Abby between them just in case anybody suspected they’re together.

Like they are now.

~//~


	2. The Sex Talk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for the comments :) you guys are the best. Also please don't mind me throwing in like 8 paragraphs of pure exposition. It's a cheap method of telling the story, but nobody's policing fanfictions and I wanted to lay it all out.

Half an hour after they left the Mayor’s Annual Blanket, the couple was back at Erin’s apartment, and something was still off about Holtz. Erin strongly suspected it was about her own protectiveness over Holtz at the party, and she didn’t want to think that she had overstepped.

Holtz had loosened the collar on her femme-tux outfit but hadn’t taken it off yet. A sign that she hadn’t really let it go.

“Jillian, please. I’m sorry.”

“M’not mad at you.” She sat slouched back on the couch, legs apart and arms limp in defeat.

“…Are you mad at yourself?”

“I’m not mad.”

Erin cautiously sat next to her. “Can you tell me… what you are then?”

“Tired.”

“Jill.” Erin took one of Holtz’s hands gently between hers. “You don’t like that it was brought up?”

Holtz stayed quiet, as Erin figured she would.

Erin leaned back with her, and rested her head on Holtz’s shoulder. “Talk to me please? About anything?”

“Some fish can change their gender.” Holtz said.

Erin smiled softly. “That’s on me, I did say _anything._ Can you maybe tell me something else?”

They sat in silence for a few minutes, before Holtz answered, “When people bring up what happened. I feel like… I’m… when things don’t function like they’re supposed to…” Holtz naturally struggled to put her emotions into words.

“A failure?” Erin had learned to translate Holtz’s jumbled thoughts sometimes.

“Yeah.”

“Jillian, you’re not a failure! Why would you say that?”

“Technically you said it.”

“For real. Please.”

“When people bring it up, it just reminds me that I’m a failure to you, sexually.” She mumbled, barely audible.

“ _What?_ ” Erin’s shock was feigned, though. She knew.

“I sound like a guy with ED.” Holtz joked.

“Holtzmann, please know that you’ve never failed me in _any_ department.”

“Guess you can’t fail what you don’t even try.” Holtz’s voice wavered. She could make jokes but struggled to keep her emotions in check when the words hurt so bad with the weight of the truth.

Erin frowned at her, trying to play a different card. “I _know_ you’re not ignorant enough to believe relationships need to have sex in order to be healthy. Plenty of people are in asexual relationships.”

“But we’re not asexual.” Holtz argued further. “Neither of us are. I like sex, you like sex, and yet you’re not getting any.”

“Holtzmann… if this were reversed, and I were the victim of a brutal attack—“

Holtz physically shied away from Erin’s words, turning the other way on the couch, but Erin pulled her elbow back. She needed to hear this.

“If it were reversed and I were hesitant to get back into sex, would you consider me a failure? Would you leave me for someone else just so you could get laid?” Erin covered Holtz’s hand with her own, her other hand sliding down the blonde’s inner forearm. “Or would you be thankful to spend every minute with me, and still be just as fulfilled because you love just being around me, doing everything together?”

Holtzmann didn’t answer, because Erin really was just holding a mirror up to her. But it didn’t change the fact that she felt guilty about this PTSD-driven abstinence she was putting her girlfriend through.

Yes, it had been six months since her attack. On some physical levels, she was still healing. But the roughest part had come two weeks after the attack, when her attackers were caught.

By that point, the worst of her physical healing was over. The effects of the concussion were subsiding, the swelling from her knee surgery had gone down, and her bruises were fading from green to brown to gone. Her couch days had passed, and she could use the bathroom without help.

That’s when it got worse. She didn’t have full memory of the whole attack, whether it was from the concussion or her brain blocking out the trauma. But when the police tracked down and caught the two attackers, one man and one woman, their phones were confiscated. And they had taken pictures.

Not exactly the brightest move by them. Having pictures of the person they beat was pretty incriminating. Pictures of Holtz in the bar, walking to her car, and two or three pictures during the attack. Obviously, these were not just run-of-the-mill homophobic freaks, they were sadistic. They probably took pleasure in those pictures, which gave the detectives the extra boost they needed to ensure these people were put away for a very long time.

Holtz should have never looked at the pictures. It’s not exactly her fault, they were shown to her, to try and jog her memory as to whether there were other attackers or not. It would have been fine, if not for one picture showing her jeans unbuttoned, and fly unzipped.

From what Holtz remembers, the attack never took that kind of turn. When she was brought to the ER that night, a rape kit was performed as per protocol. Everything came up negative. No foreign DNA or dirt traces, no abrasions or lacerations, nothing. It was as close to a ‘no’ as it could possibly get.

But a test like that can never prove, 100 percent, that nothing happened.

And it hadn’t been a concern until Holtz saw that picture.

The reality is that probably, nothing did happen. Whatever their intention was with unbuttoning her pants, it probably didn’t involve physically violating her. Perhaps it was an intimidation tactic, a way to humiliate her, a threat, or maybe she just forgot to do the button all the way after her last trip to the bathroom.

But Holtz was dealing with _a lot._ And the uncertainty of that seemed to be her tipping point.

Their shy and awkward Holtzmann seemed to have an extensive address book of friends and exes, and she began going out with these women she hadn’t spoken to in years, for weeks straight of one-night-stands, out til all hours of the night.

The other ghostbusters didn’t take this well. They felt they were supposed to be protecting her. After about two weeks they cornered the exhausted engineer in a booth at HQ and asked why she was doing this. She said something about reclaiming herself.

It didn’t last too long, and eventually Holtz saw how unhealthy this was for herself. That was when she swore off sex until she found a healthy way to deal with her emotions and a woman who really cared about her.

Two weeks later is when Erin, in private, reminded her of their kiss during the Eagles song that first week after the attack. And asked Holtzmann if that was something she’d be interested in pursuing.

Holtz never technically answered. The two of them just grew closer and closer, until comfort snuggles became shy kisses became full make-out sessions on the couch.

But it’s never turned sexual, per Holtz’s shy request.

To be fair, Holtz had told the Ghostbusters after their little intervention (albeit a little exaggerated) that she was swearing off sex forever. And Erin still pursued a relationship.

It didn’t stop Holtz from feeling like a failure. She _wanted_ to do these things, she _wanted_ to have a hot, sexual relationship with her beautiful girlfriend. But she wasn’t that comfortable in her own skin yet. Even if the attackers really hadn’t done anything sexual to her, she still felt she had to reclaim her body. They had taken her and done what they wanted with her. They’d used her body as a canvas to display their hatred, and she still bore those marks. Some of them would never go away.

Another reason she wasn’t exactly eager to get naked in front of Erin. And yet another reason, the fact that Erin had never even dated a woman before. But that’s another issue for another time.

For now, Erin looks at her girlfriend, wondering what she can do to make it better. If there were a clear-cut answer, she’d do it.

“I love spending time with you, I don’t care what we’re doing.” Erin emphasized.

It had no effect on the engineer.

“Holtz, talk to me.”

“We’re gonna have sex someday, Erin. I promise.”

“Jillian, please don’t worry about it. Why do you think that means so much to me? I don’t understand.”

Holtz shrugged with minimal effort. “I don’t know.”

“What would Doctor Sheridan say? Try and get to the bottom of why this bothers you so much.” Erin encouraged, referencing the therapist Holtz had been seeing since the attack.

“I don’t know! Maybe because I don’t like looking at my own body with these new scars? Maybe because sex is _great_ and I’m mad at myself for not being able to do it? Maybe because all my other relationships have involved sex, and this one is already different in so many ways that kind of scares me?” She paused to process what just came out.

“What scares you?”

Holtz crossed her arms over her tie. “A lot of things. Not snakes though. They just look _hilarious_ without arms!”

Erin tried to bring Holtz back on task and not think about what she’d said, because if she did think about it, she’d laugh. And that was counterproductive. “Jillian. This relationship is different for me, too. It’s okay to be scared about change, you’re dealing with a lot. Might this be… because you think we’re moving too fast?”

Holtz got defensive. “No, I don’t think that. Don’t put words in my mouth. I like being around you, can we just leave it at that?”

Erin knew she wasn’t going to get anything out of this tonight. There was an important admission in there somewhere, but clearly Holtz didn’t have the capacity to dissect it right now.

“Yeah. We can leave it at that.” She put her arms around Holtz, snuggling her closer, which she loved doing when Holtz was a little bit pouty or grumpy. It made it harder for Holtz to maintain that grumpy look, and eventually she would melt and let herself be snuggled.

Abstinence, of course, doesn’t mean that they aren’t physically close. And the little things, the small touches or intimate brush of a hand were undoubtedly helping Holtz toward recovery.

Erin lowered her hand to hold the engineer closer, running slightly curled fingers down her chest, becoming an open palm across the white-buttoned dress shirt over her stomach, and sliding around her waist, under the open black blazer.

Holtz let out a brief _hm_ that gave no indication as to how she felt about that touch. She resigned, disappointed in herself and feeling like she owed Erin something. Maybe she’d bake a cake for her or something.

Usually by this point in a relationship, Holtz’s girlfriend would have started to notice that her oddities aren’t just quirks; they’re who she is all the time. And that can be mentally exhausting for a lot of people.

Holtz usually felt like she owed a woman something just for staying with her longer than a few months. But Erin went into this relationship _already knowing_ these quirks, AND knowing there would be no sex. Those things combined made Holtz feel like she owed Erin the world, but Erin never asked for anything. And that was mentally exhausting for Holtz.  

 

 

 

~//~


	3. Photos

“I don’t remember anyone else.” Holtz leaned back in her wheelchair in a small room at the police station. They’d made it clear they weren’t going to ask any pressing questions, but Holtz felt like they were pressing.

“Just the man and the woman?” An officer asked. Last time they’d had a female officer get her statement, to make her more comfortable. Clearly they’d forgone that effort this time. One man sat with her at a small table, and another by the door. At least they’d let Abby be in the room too, though she had to sit in the corner.

Holtz’s body language might suggest she was relaxed, sitting back in her trademark slouch with her legs apart and arms over the back of the chair. But in reality she’d started relaxed, and then grown uncomfortable so rapidly she was frozen in that pose.

“Yeah.” She muttered quietly. “Why?”

“Well, you mentioned you don’t remember a good part of it.”

“There was no good part of it.”

The officers didn’t get her dark humor. “Is it possible there were more people involved, besides the two we have in custody?”

“My opinion here should not be taken as definitive evidence. Obviously you already know the answer. That question is subjective.”

One of the officers wrote something down on a notepad. The other officer continued, “Would you be willing to look at some photos that might jog your memory? I have to warn you they may be upsetting, but getting your memory back could prevent this from happening to someone else.”

Holtz finally unfroze from her faux-relaxed pose, bringing her knees together. “Photos?”

“Yes.”

“Of… the attackers?”

“No—of you. The two people in custody had photos on their cell phones, that appear to have been taken during the attack.”

“Wait, _what?_ ” Abby leaned forward, before Holtz could even respond. “How come this is the first we’re hearing of this?”

“Ma’m, we’ve only just discovered the photos recently. That’s why we brought her in.”

“They took photos while they were… beating her?” Abby asked.

“It appears that way. The photos were taken between twelve-thirty and one AM, which is when the incident occurred. And they’re photos of Miss Holtzmann.”

“Doctor” Abby corrected automatically before reacting, “That’s sick and twisted, who would do that!?”

“I’m sure a jury will feel the same way, and anything you can remember will be extremely helpful in getting them locked up for a long time. So we’re asking _Doctor Holtzmann,_ ” The officer turned away from Abby. “if you would be willing to look at these photos to try and jog your memory.”

Holtz hadn’t spoken yet. What was she supposed to say? They’d made it sound like someone else could be in danger if she didn’t look at the pictures. She made a small shrug gesture with her hand, and it was taken as a yes.

The officer by the door left and returned with a laptop, four images displayed across the screen.

Holtz felt sick as soon as she caught a glimpse of the screen and recognized her own blonde hair in the photos. All four of them were blurry, one of them basically just a smudge of colors across the screen.

Red was one of the main colors.

Abby looked tense, ready to spring. She couldn’t see the screen from her angle, but reading Holtz’s face told her danger.

Holtz’s eyes were drawn to the image in the top right corner. It was a side-view of herself, one hand clenching her ribs rightly, knuckles bloodied. Her jeans sat low on her hips, and in the corner she could clearly make out the flap of her jeans open, and the powder blue of her underwear beneath it, exposed.

She suddenly felt completely naked and sick to her stomach. The officers had seen this photo, of course. She felt violated just knowing they’d seen it. And god knows how many other people. Not that anything was exposed besides her underwear. But the implications…

The implications are what forced her brain into a partial shutdown, choosing to focus only on the fact that officers had seen this picture. Not allowing her brain to think what was happening in the photo itself.

Those thoughts were locked away and didn’t show themselves again until the massive dam break that night.

~

It didn’t happen all at once, although it felt like that to Holtz. It felt like painful emotions that physically hurt her chest were flying at her constantly for hours.

But to the others, it looked like a few waves of pain.

The first hint of a breakdown started just after dinner, when Holtz was carefully walking from the kitchen towards her bedroom to grab a notebook. She just stopped in the entryway, leaning against the doorframe, and slid carefully to just sit on the floor.

Erin was the first to notice. “You need the wheelchair, Holtz? Are you okay?”

She didn’t need the wheelchair. She had been walking just fine a second ago, no pain. And then she just… didn’t want to keep walking. She just didn’t want to. She didn’t want to do anything, but nobody can ever do nothing, so sitting in the doorframe and staring at the opposite wall seemed like a good compromise.

But the peace was short lived. Erin was by her side a few seconds later with the wheelchair. “Here. Need help getting up?”

She just shook her head. “I want to stay here.”

“…On the floor?”

She didn’t have the energy to answer.

“You can’t stay on the floor. C’mon.”

“Why!”

“It’s probably bad for your back.”

Holtz was about to respond ‘fuck my back’ but realized it sounded dirty. And that’s when she remembered everything from before. It fully hit her that some stranger might’ve touched her, and she was suddenly very uncomfortable with everything about herself. She wanted to take her skin off like a jacket, and leave it behind forever.

She inhaled deeply through her nose, surprised by how much emotions could make her chest hurt.

“You okay?” Erin crouched down lower to see Holtz’s face.

Holtz wanted to say anything to get her to leave, even something rude, but was afraid Erin would mentally note it as ‘something they need to talk about later’, and if she made it to ‘later’, she certainly didn’t want to be reminded of this moment.

“I’m just tired.” She said, proud of herself for not snapping.

“You sure that’s it?”

She nodded.

Erin rejected that answer. “Holtz, don’t be afraid to tell us if you’re in pain.”

“I’m in pain.” Holtz choked.

Erin straightened, ready to handle it. “You knee or your ribs?”

“Ribs.” Holtz said through the first fallen tears, even though nothing physically hurt.

“Okay. Okay. You think you can try and get up slowly? And then we’ll get you to the couch, or the bed?”

“Bed, please.”

They’d now drawn the attention of Abby, though Patty hung back, generally more conscious of Holtz’s personal space.

“What’s going on?” Abby asked.

“Her ribs are hurting.” Erin reported in full nurse-mode, blinded by the pretense that she could actually help.

Abby wasn’t as easily fooled, but didn’t say anything, watching from the sidelines.

“There you go.” Erin said soothingly as Holtz sat herself gently in the wheelchair. “You need help getting into your pajamas?”

“No.” Holtz said quickly.

“Let me know when you’re done.” Abby said as she and Erin stepped out of the room.

They gave it a few minutes before calling out to Holtz again, and after getting no answer they immediately went in.

Holtz was on the floor again, against the wall, holding her pajama tee to her face.

“You okay?! Did you fall?” Erin rushed over.

“M’just tired.” Holtz said into the shirt, a skip in her voice.

Abby held Erin’s shoulder and pushed her back a bit, knowing Erin’s denial of what’s really hurting Holtz wasn’t going to help. “Holtzy.” Abby crouched down next to her. “Can we get you anything?”

Holtz shook her head.

“Okay. We’re here for you, you know. You want us to stay or leave you alone for a few minutes? We don’t have to talk, we can just stay here with you.”

Holtz finally pulled the shirt away from her face. It looked like she’d been covering tears but her face was stone dry now, taking the others by surprise.

Erin started to accept that it wasn’t physical pain that had her friend on the floor.

“Stay.” Holtz finally said. “Just one. Not everyone.”

“I’ll leave you two alone.” Erin said before Abby could even ask which one of them should stay. “You seem to be doing a little better with her.”

“Holtz?” Abby asked.

Holtz just put the shirt back to her face.

“We’re here, Holtzy. You’re home, it’s over.” Erin added gently, before stepping out of the room.

After she’d left, Abby studied her friend a little more. “You wanted Erin to stay, didn’t you?”

Holtz shrugged.

“You want me to go get her back?”

Holtz paused, then nodded.

Abby got up and left the room, leaving Holtz alone in the dark for a few minutes.

Her chest hurt, but it wasn’t her injured ribs. It felt like those negative emotions were gripping her heart and forming a fist. She wheezed a little. She had experienced this once before, after the death of someone close, so she knew there was nothing actually restricting her breathing, or gripping her heart, it just _really_ felt like it.

Erin softly tapped on the door and pushed it open. “Hey.”

Holtz lowered the shirt to her lap and looked up at Erin.

Erin caught on and followed the pattern of silence. She walked over and sat next to Holtz, mimicking her position against the wall.

As soon as she settled into place, Holtz put her head on Erin’s shoulder, and an arm around the redhead’s torso.

Erin was surprised but gladly accepted the gesture, extending her own arm across the engineer’s back, stroking her messy blonde curls gently. She had no idea what her friend saw at the police station, only that it hurt her.

She wanted to tell Holtz it was okay, or whatever. But silence is always more sophisticated than words, so she let their bodies speak instead. She gently dropped a kiss on Holtz’s forehead, and Holtz tightened her hold on Erin. She hadn’t seen Holtz like this before, and it hurt to think what the engineer must be going through.

But it was so, _so_ good to know Holtz wasn’t shutting herself off completely, and was allowing herself to be held. Because Erin knew this was ten times worse to go through alone.

~//~

 


	4. The Bad Days

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Holtz and Patty go for a walk.

_circa 7 months post-attack_

Holtz silently slipped her shoes on, hoping no one would notice her.

“Hey, you going somewhere?” Erin, predictably, noticed.

Holtz paused briefly. “Just out.”

 “It’s night, you don’t wanna go out alone.” Erin got up from the couch, their interaction catching the attention of the other two.

“I do.” Holtz insisted.

“I don’t want you going alone. Something could… uh, happen.” Erin tried to catch herself but was too far into the sentence to change it.

Holtz looked around the room. Erin was right. Although she’s personally never had a mugging incident in New York City, it still wasn’t the safest place to walk around alone at night. But she really wasn’t in the mood to associate with either Erin nor Abby right now. They would just press. “Fine. Patty?”

Patty stuck a bookmark in her book and set it to the table as she stood up. “Yeah, I’ll go with you Holtzy.”

Erin turned back to Holtzmann, a somewhat heartbroken look in her eyes. She wanted Holtz to talk to her, and naturally she was worried that Holtz wasn’t talking to anyone.

Holtz, on the other hand, saw that look and immediately turned away. She knew what it was for, but she couldn’t bear to think she was letting Erin down.

Patty sat down on the bench to lace up her shoes, and Holtz took a skip-step towards the door. “I’ll meet you downstairs, just gonna stretch.”

~

The dusting of snow had already disappeared from the sidewalk due to foot traffic, creating a slush that wasn’t fun to walk in, so the girls headed to Central Park, to walk the more well-lit but less traveled paths.

“I take it you don’t wanna talk about whatever’s bothering you.” Patty said once they were in a more secluded area.

Holtz shrugged, her hands stuffed into her jacket pockets and her chin tucked low into the collar. “Nothing’s bothering me.”

Patty nodded, knowing Holtz had only chosen her to walk with under the assumption she _wouldn’t_ have to answer questions like this. She accepted that. “Working on anything new?”

“Can’t talk about it.”

Patty frowned at her. “Can’t talk about what?”

“What I’m doing in the workshop. Christmas gifts.”

“Oh. You know you really could just go with gift cards.” Patty said, looking up at the trees and sky above them, knowing Holtz would never settle for something as unoriginal as gift cards.

“Gift cards are for cousins.”

A man walked past them, wearing dark clothes, and gave them a second glance. Patty instinctively held onto Holtz’s elbow and stepped closer to her.

“That dude about to rob somebody…” Patty muttered once he was out of earshot. “I can never tell now if people look twice at us because they recognize us or they out to get us.”

“Definitely the latter.” Holtz joked. “The mental hospital would like to know your location.”

“I’m just saying, it’s unnerving.”

“Totally.”

Patty frowned at her. “I hate when you do that kind of sarcasm that I can’t tell if it’s really sarcastic or not.”

“You’re so welcome.”

She rolled her eyes. “God bless both you and Erin because you’re the only two that can put up with each other.”

Holtz watched the ground again, smiling a little to herself, just at hearing someone else confirm that Erin is really hers. She’s still surprised sometimes that Erin’s even into her at all.

She was jerked out of these nice thoughts by a small dip in the asphalt, and she dropped her heel in just the wrong way that a shock was sent up to her healing knee. Holtz tried to walk it off for a minute or two, while listening to Patty talk about the proper way to prepare shrimp or something, before she eyed a bench.

“Can we pull over for a sec, Pats? The dogs are barking.” Holtz slid onto the bench, brushing off a dusting of snow next to her for Patty.

Patty sat next to her. “I hate that phrase. Even ironically.”

“The dogs are barking?”

“Yeah. It’s gross. Like, someone’s feet are so worn out that their personification involves them screaming out like an animal? It just makes me picture an old person’s feet that are just so… _textured._ With open sores that have... teeth."

"Gnarly." Holtz had a million responses that would make her giggle, but kept them to herself, trying to discreetly massage her knee with one hand while making it look like she was just warming her hands on her leg.

Patty watched, then shook her head. “Okay baby, pick _one_ of us.”

“Abby.” Holtz answered without question.

“You don’t even know what it was for.”

“Kevin.”

“Listen. If you don’t want everyone knowing when you’re hurt, or when you’re having a bad day, we understand. But you gotta let one of us know.”

Holtz spaced out into the distance, and stopped rubbing her knee.

“There are some things that are only between you and Erin as a couple, and I get that. I respect that. But when there’s something you don’t want her to know, that’s what me and Abby are for. Okay?”

“Hm. Is this about dinner the other night?”

Patty groaned. “No! It’s not! Why you gotta bring that up again?”

Holtz smiled. “It’s funny how much it bothers you.”

“That’s funny to you?”

“Yeep.”

“Jillian Holtzmann, that was straight up _flirting_ , and it should be exclusively for one-on-one conversations, not announcing to the whole dinner table that “if Erin won’t let you say “bro time” anymore, you’ll never have sex with her again”. You see how that makes the rest of us uncomfortable?”

Holtz kept her head down so Patty wouldn’t get more frustrated by the smile plastered across her face. “First of all— “

“--I know I said “straight”, you know what the hell I meant.”

Holtz grinned even wider. “Okay. Second of all—“

“Are you laughing?”

Holtz finally lifted her head.

“You’re blushing too! Y’all gotta stop this teenage crush nonsense whenever you hear the other person’s name. What are you laughing about now?”

“Bro time means sex.”

Patty paused. “Please tell me that’s a widespread gay term, and not something _only you_ use to describe sex.”

“It’s more of a me thing.” Holtz confirmed.

“Nasty. I don’t wanna hear any more about your sex life at the dinner table, okay? I’m glad you have one, and we can leave it at that.”

Holtz’s smile dropped as she let her thoughts take over again. It was a little ironic that Patty adamantly refused to hear about her sex life after just telling Holtz to bring any ailments to her or Abby if she’s unable to tell them to Erin. And that’s kind of what Holtz’s going through at the moment.

She and Erin had only just started making progress towards sex. After some anxiety, she was able to give to Erin a few times in the past month, both with her hands and her mouth. And Holtz’s anxiety around that was only due to seeing Erin unclothed and vulnerable and immediately picturing bad things happening to her like they had to Holtz. Erin had been more than understanding, and they worked through it and got to a comfortable place together.

Exposure was still very difficult for Holtz. So when Erin naturally wanted to give back, after much work, Holtz was finally comfortable enough with some hand-down-the-pants action. As much as she’s insanely attracted to everything Erin does, and as genuinely aroused as Holtz was in the moment, she was still unable to finish. Erin had suggested changing into sweatpants and going commando so she’d have better access. Holtz eagerly changed, but the couple soon found out that even sweatpants made Holtz feel exposed beyond her comfort zone. And as much as healing is about stretching the comfort zone, this one broke it. She quickly changed into her pajamas and couldn’t shake that exposed feeling for the rest of the night, no matter how close Erin held her.

Despite this, the couple counted the victories more than the failures, and the overall progress was something to be excited about. Bad days are expected; they’re built into the progress timeline.

So yeah, before dinner a few nights ago, Holtz had a very minor incident in the lab, being startled by an engine sound, and for the remainder of the work day she’d been a little bit frustrated and a little bit shaken, and felt like she needed to prove she was making progress in recovery. And yeah, maybe she was looking for a way throughout dinner to somehow bring up that she and Erin had sex. And _no,_ she hadn’t used the term “bro time” to mean sex before that day, she’d used it to refer to various things, such as playing Super Smash Bros (which also sounds like a term for gay sex), having a Ghostbusters-only drinking night, or doing anything nuclear-physics related. But nobody got her real intention and she’s bad with words. So when Erin told her to stop saying “bro time”. Holtz playfully disagreed and brought up sex. Which made Erin blush heavily, but smile a little bit. Holtz took a mental snapshot of that and will _forever_ keep it in her back pocket for whenever things get hard.

“You good now?” Patty asked, gesturing to Holtz’s knee.

She nodded and stood up.

“Don’t try to go anywhere if you’re not okay. I can wait.”

Holtz didn’t say anything, she just waited for Patty to stand up and begin their journey home.

Holtz was definitely comfortable talking about sex with Erin. But there were still things she couldn’t talk about with her. Any time Holtz expressed disappointment at a personal failure, like not being able to finish that night, Erin would just reassure everything away.

_It’s okay, you’re not ready, I know it’s not about me._

Holtz couldn’t say anything about her own shortcomings without Erin giving the same bullshit about everything being okay.

Even if it is okay. Even if everything will turn out fine and someday they’ll be married and have kids and never have to think about PTSD again. Even if all that is true, Holtz still knows she’ll feel better now if she can just talk to someone about it. And that obviously excludes the other involved party.

Erin has suggested a therapist in the past, and Holtz has considered it. But it feels very impersonal. Store-bought advice.

Talking to Abby wasn’t practical because she already knew all of Abby’s sex advice from their years of working together. As much as Abby likes to gossip, she gets awkward when she talks about sex.

And now Patty’s out of the question too.

Maybe Gorin. Holtz considered her before, but then she remembered an incident in her twenties when, after a third date, the girl had showed up to Gorin’s lab to return an… object, Holtz had left from the night before. Though the item was in an opaque bag, it was still very clear what it was. After that, Gorin had yelled at Holtz and told her not to ever bring her personal life to the lab, or to Gorin herself.

Holtz isn’t sure how much that still applies, considering Gorin has lent her help numerous times during Holtz’s recovery, but talking about sex still seemed like a lot to ask.

But it couldn’t hurt to ask, right? Gorin’s always been like a cold-and-somewhat-strict mother, which Holtz clung to. But a much softer, maternal side has been revealed since the attack. So maybe she’ll ask tomorrow.

And it’s probably better that Patty isn’t the one Holtz talks to, anyway. Probably better for their friendship.

She still can’t help feeling like a door has been slammed shut.

~//~

 

 


End file.
